Buddhist psychology makes an interesting distinction between guilt and remorse. The feeling of guilt, or hatred directed toward oneself, lacerates. When we experience a strong feeling of guilt in the mind, we have little or no energy available for transformation or transcendence. We are defeated by the guilt itself, because it depletes us. We also feel very alone. Our thoughts focus on our worthlessness: “I’m the worst person in the world. Only I do these terrible things.” However, such an attitude is actually very “self”-promoting. We become obsessed with “self” in the egotistical sense.
Remorse, by contrast, is a state of recognition. We realize that we have at some point done something or said something unskillful that caused pain, and we feel the pain of recognition. But, crucially, remorse frees us to let go of the past. It leaves us with some energy to move on, resolved not to repeat our mistakes.
”(via emilyherzlin)
DAILY SURVIVOR
Being in pain every day is boring because it does not provide opportunities for personal growth and resiliency in the face of singular traumatic events.
Being in pain every day is boring as a problem deserving academic or scholarly attention because it does not provide opportunities for ground breaking neurology and positive thinking and personal growth. Even as a problem examined within affect theory and by scholars who study ordinary life, being in pain every day isn’t actually ordinary enough because it is only the realm of the already sick.
The American Chronic Pain Association does not admit that being in pain every day is boring nor do they give suggestions for managing this boredom. (Though decoupage boxes may be a form of admission).
the asl sign for “transgender“ is basically the same as the sign for ”beautiful“ but signed at the chest instead of in front of the face.
so that’s cool.
this is my imperfect not-a-fluent-signer understanding but:
(based on a presentation by a deaf trans guy i was at in 2005 where he was promoting that sign)
it seems like that sign was invented and implemented by trans people over the last 10-ish years. before that the predominant vocabulary was “sex change” and then some deaf trans people were like “yo fuck that” and came up with the current sign, which starts off with the sign for “myself,” then motion that indicates both change and coming together, and ends with the closed hand held against the sternum.
and in the process it also mimics the sign for “beautiful”
and because of spatial grammar, things closer to the front of your body in ASL are generally more vital, more emphatic, more immediate, more present.
so it’s actually a case where the word coherently indicates “beauty” and “self transformation” and contains hints of the complete thought of “my self transforming, through a coming together of disparate factors, into something more real, immediate, and vital than I was before.”
so yeah. that’s just fuckin’ awesome.
and that’s just the way to express that concept now.
(via arabellesicardi)
Say Her Name: Trans woman of color Kiesha Jenkins dies after being attacked and shot by up to 6 men
Philadelphia homicide Capt. James Clark told the Philadelphia Inquirer that Jenkins, 22, exited a car moments prior to her murder. Once out of the car, the group surrounded Jenkins and when she fell to the ground during the assault, they was shot twice in the back. Jenkins is the second transgender woman to be killed in Philadelphia this year and the 21st in the U.S. This is a dire problem, and as Laverne Cox recently said, fixing it starts with representation.
because white people are never comfortable with black people succeeding
it’s their kryptonite
Let’s give this a million notes then
(via kris-lulu)
The whorephobia in the comments though. Lovely.
While I personally don’t believe that lingerie models are sex workers per se, the eagerness in which the lingerie world likes to separate themselves from us often results in some firm shoving in front of stigma buses.
Especially since sex workers are usually very avid lingerie customers. When sex is your business, sexy becomes the uniform. and what is more sombre and nonsexual than picking an outfit for work. I wish more people would cater to us rather than pretend we’re just trying to spice up our sex lives. Or at least not try so hard to not be mistaken for a sex worker while enjoying the edge that sex worker fashion brings with it.Lingerie is about being sexy though thats the whole point. Nobody buys lingerie just for everyday. N if wasnt for sex workers this business would not be big at all
I disagree. From a historical fashion perspective, lingerie (another name for women’s undergarments) is about shaping the body to fit the silhouette of the era. That’s why lingerie from the 1500s looks different from lingerie in the 1800s which looks different from lingerie in the 2000s. From a social perspective, lingerie is also about reinforcing certain norms around beauty and the body (for example, the shape and placement of the breasts on the body…compare the ‘pigeon breast’ silhouette of the early 20th century with the bullet bra silhouette of the 1950s with the rounded dome silhouette of the 1990s). I can also tell you that I’ve been wearing a bra since I was 8, and the point of that was definitely not about being sexy.
There are people who wear lingerie for everyday. I’m one of them, as are many of the people who read my site. And it’s totally okay if the notion of wearing lingerie for everyday doesn’t fit into your personal conception of it. But one of the points of this article is that women and women’s bodies and women’s underclothes are always sexualized, even when women would prefer they’re not. And other people should have the right to self-identify and self-determine what the clothes they’re wearing should mean in their life.
No garment, on its own and without any other context, should be considered pornographic. That’s not a condemnation of porn or of sex work. Rather, it’s a commentary on the social construction of a particular segment of the fashion industry, and what it implies about the bodies (and the valuation) of the people wearing the garments.
Lingerie was made for woman to feel sexy about themselves its not made like regular panties or bras are just for us woman to have undergarments. Your going to be sexualized in lingerie, because thats what it was made for. Thats just like those pole hobbyists who say I dont want to be seen as sexy but your by a pole with stripper shoes on.
I think this may reflect a difference in how we’re defining lingerie. For me, lingerie is all women’s undergarments as a genre, not just sexy or boudoir undergarments. I wouldn’t define a plain white post surgery bra with drainage holes as particularly sexy, for example, but it is lingerie. I also wouldn’t define plain beige Spanx as sexy, but again, it’s lingerie.
That said, yes, I am a firm believer in people getting to decide what sexy means to them and if, how, or when they’d prefer to be sexualized. I see this conversation as running parallel to those that discuss the sexualization of nudity (and, again, the nudity of women’s bodies in particular). For some people, a naked body is always sexual. Does it mean that’s the only way to view a nude human? No.
I think there’s ways of saying “something doesn’t have to be sexual/subject to the male gaze” that doesn’t basically use ‘porn’ as a byword for “dirty in a sexual way” though?
Like I see what your argument is and I think it’s really valid. All women’s clothing is heavily sexualized and especially underwear. That inherent sexualization harms a lot of people: for instance it’s led to this weird tween sexualization of underwear by large companies. It also leads to like, a lot of bullshit for trans women who might want to look nice, but then are instantly rendered into fetishists because underwear (or even lingerie) is seen as “sexy” (and only “sexy”) inherently. That sort of approach has a lot of issues.
However, there’s clearly a weird class component going on here, as the other sex workers have noted. Like, by saying that something “isn’t pornographic” or using sex workers as a way to distance your ‘art’ from ‘porn’, the tendency is for people with lots of money to talk about how not-like-sex-workers their interests and activities are. And a lot of the time, the way that that distinction is made is “how much money am I putting into this as a luxury?”
Especially when you realize that sex workers are a large part of the market, and that lingerie makers frequently play with that sort of ‘sexy’ edginess, it’s hard to not read “lingerie is not porn” as a sort of respectability politics move. Couldn’t there be other ways of saying this that aren’t based on explicitly distancing oneself from sex work=dirty/trashy assumptions?
This is an interesting comment, and I like the stuff you’re bringing up here. One of the things that’s most intriguing to me is the respectability politics component, and how the framing of that can differ - not only on the axis of occupation (sex work), but also ethnicity (I’m a WOC).
Black women are constantly sexualized against their will. The historical creation of blackness as an ethnoracial category included an overtly sexual component, namely the idea that black women are always available/ready for/interested in sex. TLA is, not incidentally, a lingerie blog that does not focus on sex. One of the things that is perhaps indicative of other privileges in this conversation, especially within the context of my own background and where I reside, is the assertion that I must talk about sex or this topic has to involve sex. That I do not get to carve out a space where I can live and talk and be and breathe without being sexualized…whether I want to be or not.
One of things I’m very aware of, as someone who’s a visible minority on the internet, is how often people want to decide what my identity should really be or how I get to define and present myself publicly. And the people who are most vocal about what my priorities should be and what topics should matter to me, are usually not POC.
It is problematic that a statement like, “I am not a sex worker” is seen as indicative of whorephobia. That is not a value judgment on sex workers (I’ve also made statements like, “I am not a journalist,” “I am not trans,” and “I am not white” on varying occasions). However, if we’re going to talk about the interplay of privilege and power and specifically how a history of respectability politics makes an appearance in conversations on intimate apparel, then we also need to talk about my position as a woman of color in a industry that, as a whole, is overtly hostile to women of color (and, specifically, how the unique spaces black women occupy, and their associated challenges, are almost always ignored).
I’m still pulling all this apart and turning it over, but it’s something I’ve noticed with increasing frequency, and not just on Tumblr. For centuries, black women have been told what their identities and priorities should be, what language we get to use to define ourselves and what spaces we get to occupy. I believe it’s important not perpetuate that, even accidentally.
I guess to me, I just see that there are probably multiple things going on that are potentially contradictory social pressures that are both valid and difficult to navigate.
Like, the desire/political ambition to desexualize lingerie is one that like I totally am on board with. I can see why that is particularly important to you as a black woman that is frequently hypersexualized. That would also be a nice thing for me (as a trans woman), since I basically can’t wear any of these clothes without it being seen as ‘fetish’. Like, I’ve appreciated that aspect of the blog, for what it’s worth.
Maybe I’m misinterpreting what they are saying, but I didn’t think that what they said was saying “I am not a sex worker” is whorephobic. I think what struck me was that there’s this process historically where sex workers are kinda the style edge of lingerie, and receive a lot of flack and stigma for it (women of color sex workers even more so). And eventually, non-sex workers start to wear those styles, and as soon as that happens, they start saying “this is not about sex work/porn/whatever.”
Which is true. Those articles of clothing don’t have to be about sex work or porn or sex at all. But the historical trend (this is the case with pole dancing, burlesque, various makeup styles too) is something that I guess I can see the reaction to? It’s like when everyone started contouring and basically saying “Contouring: Not Just For Trannies Anymore!” where like, sure, that’s true, but it is hard to not see the writing on the wall. Especially when commenters respond accordingly.
So like, I guess what I’m getting at is that like, both responses are understandable? I don’t know, I agree with basically all of the original article, but I also know that historical trend well enough to see why some people would respond to it that way. At the same time, like the need to stem needless compulsory hypersexualization, especially for people who enjoy lingerie who belong to demographics that are already hypersexualized, such as women of color, is real.
Like, I don’t think either of them are more important than the other, but I think they are probably different priorities for different people depending on what your social location is approaching the conversation. I feel both parts of this conversation a lot, I guess. Sorry if that’s more rambling and not a concrete response, I just feel really ambivalent.
Edit: I already reblogged, but just wanted to add that if you (or someone else reading this) wants to write an article (or a series of articles) for TLA unpacking some of this, I’d be happy to take a look at it for publication. There’s a lot of stuff here I hadn’t thought about before that absolutely fits in with TLA’s mission to discuss the intersection of lingerie and society. And I do think it’s important for a sex worker (past or current) to be the person at the center that discussion.
I was really disappointed that rather than address that there really is and should be a noted Venn diagram of views of sexiness, lingerie, and sex work and your response to this knee-jerk reaction to this was to say, as a lingerie enthusiast, that us saying the stigmatizing of us consistently in essentially all areas of life including an industry many of us heavily endorse as they are part of our uniforms is to go “why is it whorephobic for me to say that I’m not a sex worker”? No one said that. You knee-jerked to a lot of sex workers being lingerie enthusiasts and there being an overriding view of lingerie as sexy as an attack on your respectability.
You should not be calling out sex workers for noting whorephobia in an industry that SELLS itself on the sexiness a lot of us create (there is 100% oodles and oodles of lingerie adverts based on the aesthetics of porn stars/strippers/courtesans/high class call girls/etc) and then tell us “no you shouldn’t react this way.”
I followed this blog a couple of weeks ago but I can’t seem to ever escape the shade of whorephobia.
For context, here’s the previous post thread I’m referring to. There’s a few threads bouncing around now. http://thelingerieaddict.tumblr.com/post/130694765129/lingerie-is-not-porn-the-lingerie-addict
That said, my primary issue with parts of this conversation isn’t people calling out whorephobia in the lingerie industry; it is people insisting, repeatedly, in this thread and others, that lingerie must be sexualized and that sexualization has to be the primary lens for viewing it. That was my first response. And I maintain that sexualizing people when they don’t want to be sexualized is a problem.
While I agree that lingerie is constantly sexualized in our society, the idea that my lingerie has to have a sexual component, that I have to be sexualized (even if I would rather not be), that I don’t get to have a choice in what lingerie means in my life…is one I cannot agree with. I should get to determine all that. As I mentioned in another thread, I see this framing as analogous to how we discuss the nude body. Can nudity be sexual? Yes. Does it have to be? No.
There is definitely a lot to talk about regarding the co-optation of sex work aesthetics in the industry (which I am not qualified to discuss, thus the invitation for a guest post, which still stands), but I cannot embrace a conversation that is actively insisting a desexualized perspective on lingerie is invalid “because nobody buys it for everyday.” That is simply not true. And it is my hope that a conversation on sexualization and lingerie would not take the perspective that everyone who wears lingerie is also agreeing to be sexualized.
Actually there was only one person saying that, who simply defines lingerie in a different way. For her post YOUR followers came after her with VERY nasty messages, telling her to “save her dick sucking money”.
If that isn’t prove that we need to discuss whorephobia, I don’t know what is?
And for the record, she is a black woman and as in a lot of other things, black sex workers suffer most, in particular black trans sex workers. BECAUSE of stigma.
Connecting lingerie and sex work is not sexualising lingerie. People who are not sex workers sexualise our work, our existence, our bodies, against our will, without consulting us, they make assumptions and threats and they insult us and override our consent on a daily basis.
Again, it’s our work attire. We do not sexualise our work attire. It can be used to arouse our clients yes, but the simple act of buying it, or reviewing it, or producing it, or talking about it is NOT sexual.
And honestly, I am starting to think that’s something that you’re not willing to accept because of your own preconceived notions on sex work and sex workers.
Our entire existence gets sexualised on a daily basis against our consent, but that doesn’t mean that we are constantly sexual. That should be familiar to you, from what you wrote.That is awful. Do you know who did it? If so, I’ll block them because that is definitely not okay with me and I’d rather they just not have access to my blog if they’re going to use that to harass people.
To turn back to the discussion at hand, I cannot review lingerie from a sexworker’s perspective because I am not one. And I also think it’s important that, if a blog post on that subject were to be published on TLA, a sex worker writes it. That’s come up a couple of times now (and a couple of people have gotten in touch regarding potential guest posts), but you are definitely invited to submit a guest post on the topic as well (as is anyone reading this). But in the same way I can’t review lingerie from the perspective of someone who makes lingerie, I can’t review lingerie from the perspective of someone who wears it as a uniform. That is exactly why we publish guest posts.
I’m glad that you and other people on this post have brought up issues with my language, and I’m about to do some research on whorephobic language as it’s not something we’ve directly addressed, and it should be.
Again, nobody said that you should write about sex work or lingerie from a sex work perspective. Or that you not being a sex worker is whorephobic.
All anyone is asking here is that the impact sex workers have on lingerie is acknowledged, throughout history, that sex work isn’t stigmatised, and that whorephobia is seen in the context of racism and classism and as a serious issue in the lingerie world and in general, especially since so many of us are marginalised in a number of ways at the same time.
Putting porn on the opposite end of not sexualising lingerie is a statement regarding sex work, especially when most of the time lingerie in porn is means to an end, whereas a lot of companies actively push the “sexy sex things” angle and elude to sex work in their marketing strategy.
Although I am sure AP would be horrified to know that a lot of sex workers consider it good stripper wear and nice lingerie, but completely unwearable under daily clothing for example. That’s not the kind of naughty secret they approve of, I suppose?
I want to really drive home my point about marginalisation on different axes: If you make a post about lingerie for trans women, know that a lot of trans women turn to sex work to make ends meet. If you talk about suitable thigh high nude stockings for women of all skin tones, and nude shoes, know that a lot of sex workers are women of colour in immense danger of being arrested, with a serious need for discreet yet sexy work attire. When you talk about lingerie for disabilities and chronic pain, know that a lot of us turn to sex work because these things making a normal 9 to 5 job complete inaccessible.
Personally, I started to do sex work full time because it’s the best way to take care of myself mentally and physically. Being mentally ill does not impact my lingerie needs, being a fat sex worker has a huge impact though. Most of the things that are featured on your blog are simply not attainable because they aren’t plus size items, or because they are very high priced. Which is your market, I understand that, and I enjoy the lingerie none the less and often reblog to support smaller companies.
Personally, I would appreciate an Etsy roundup that included vendors catering to plus size customers without having to order custom articles. I would also very very truly enjoy and possibly offer a feature on plus size stockings, because they are very hard to find above a certain size.What’s the size range you have in mind for the latter two articles? I want to get a sense of the minimum or maximum you’re thinking of (if applicable) as the threshold for calling yourself a plus size brand is very low in lingerie, and I’d like to make sure those articles include options in the size range you’re thinking of.
I also read the rest of your post (so you don’t think I’m ignoring it), and the only thing I can really say about it is thank you for reframing these things. There’s a lot to dig into there, and I’m looking forward to talking with the people who’ve gotten in touch regarding some articles that are better at addressing the complexity of sex work and lingerie and/or the unique needs of sex workers and their intimate apparel.
POSITIVE BODY IMAGE
By Alice Boyes
Practical tips for Positive Body ImageI was interviewed for Next Magazine about Positive Body Image, and these are my positive body image tips. The following positive body image tips come from a therapy called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy CBT.
Positive Body Image Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) – How to feel better about yourself and improve your body image
1. Mirror Exposure
Stand in front of a full length mirror and describe your body as if you were describing it to a blind person. Don’t say what’s good or bad – and don’t skip over the parts you dislike. In this way you’re counteracting the evaluative tendency and just practicing describing what you see rather than evaluating it. Repeat this.
2. Situation exposure
Make a list of things that frighten you when it comes to body image on a scale from one to 100, with 100 being the worst. It might be wearing tank tops to show off your arms, or going running in shorts along a busy road. Try to put things in five-point increments. Then practice doing that thing until on your scale it is half as anxiety-provoing as it once was. We know from research studies that exposure techniques are really good for changing thoughts, Dr Boyes says.
3. Weigh yourself right
For those who avoid weighing themselves or go through stages of weighing themselves all the time — put some structure into when you do this. Weigh yourself once aweek, and instead of judging each measurement, take the average of the past three weights. Also mark your cycle, as you can go up around your period. “Weight is not a perfect measure, but body image perceptions are so psychologically based, and they can feel good one day and bad the next. Having an objective measure is really helpful,” Dr Boyes says.
4. Experiment
If your dietary routine is ruling your life, experiment with forbidden food. Make a list of those foods that you only eat in the context of a binge and those which are really scary. Then try to eat them normally. “There are two types of restricting: one is physiological restriction (restricting calories) and the other is psychological restriction,” Dr Boyes says. “If you had a rule that you’re only allowed to eat orange food, you’d develop a binge craving for any food that wasn’t orange. So whenever we put a psychological restriction in it creates risk of bingeing.”
5. Plan
It you are erratic in your eating habits, start planning the times you’re going to eat — and aim for at least once every four hours. It’s important to get out of that cycle of under eating and overeating – and saying “I’ll start the diet on Monday so it’s okay if I eat a family bag of chips now.” Dr Boyes says. “Getting off that cycle helps with body image a lot.”
Thank you, Senator Elizabeth Warren, for standing up for reproductive freedom.
(via ppaction)
Ta-Nehisi Coates: “A Deeper Black: The Meaning of Race in the Age of Obama”
Ima reblog this again because it’s really important
Go best friend
YES
(via fitnika)